Gay Relationships Don’t Last Because….

Disclaimer: Hi! This is Ian Galsim. I am not a professional writer neither a good blogger. I’m just trying to share my thoughts here. If you have any stories that you would like to share, kindly email me at . Thanks! 🙂

This is a deep and complex issue, so I am only going to scratch the surface. Here are my top five reasons why gay relationships generally don’t work out and what YOU can do to prevent it.

1. We Don’t Believe In Dating Anymore

Let’s say Martin goes to the club. Martin meets Anthony, they dance, they chill, they get to know each other. Two things are probably going to happen. Either they are going to exchange numbers and hook up later or they are going to go to one’s place and hook up there. They have sex and several days later, they are a couple. A couple weeks later, they break up and bitter  Martin is back at the club.

Now for some people, they are not really relationship material and they are aware, so they don’t seek relationships, they just want to hook up (like having Grndr, PR and all that Gay apps) and that’s the end.But if you are looking for a relationship, the FIRST thing you need to do is to get to know the person.Dating is like an interview for a job.

You need to know who you are dealing with and be honest with who you are. Too often men try to be who they are not to please someone they are interested in and that never good. Engage in good conversations and ask questions. (talking about sex on the first couple of conversations is a NO NO!). Get to know his friends and family. Take NOTES!

Sustain from having sex! I know this is hard for some who have a higher sex drive but trust me, if the person is worth it, the sex is going to be awesome. You don’t have to sleep with every dude that you meet. Get to know him a little while longer. One thing I have realize is that a REAL man will respect you a whole lot more when you do this. (it is in my 30s that i only realised this! haha) But go , Do IT!

Lastly, you should not be looking for love in the CLUB. YOU SHOULD NOT BE LOOKING FOR LOVE IN THE CLUB! I do understand that for some people, the clubhouse is where the gays are most likely to congregate but you can meet that special someone ANYWHERE.(Church, Grocery Store, Neighborhood, School, Gym) Get out and get a life!

2. It’s ALL About You And Not US!

For some of us, we are used to be alone and independent. We are used to going out and not having to worry about that significant other at home. The thing is, when you are in a relationship, it’s no longer about YOU. In a healthy relationship, you can have a romantic relationship but still enjoy the company of your friends. The key is prioritizing your relationships. Your relationship with family, your relationship with your friends and your relationship with your significant other. Set out and communicate with your partner. Allow each other to have a life outside of the relationship but keep that communication OPEN! Be honest with each other!

3. The Grass Is Always Greener.. (or There’s always so many Fish in the sea)

This is a major problem for us gay man, we think the grass is always greener on the other side. You been with Marci for a while now and the ‘honeymoon’ stage has long worn off. You been checking Johnathan out and on the surface it seems that he got it going on. Nice house, nice job, nice car, always rocking the latest threads but what you don’t know is he got bad credit, He is about to get evicted from that house he is renting, His car is in danger of being reposed and he is THIS close to losing that job! But you don’t see it and cheat on Jerry with Johnny Boy. We ALL know how that ends.

. Don’t fall for that facade!

Also know that relationships are not forever. You have some people who come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime and then there is life.. Know the difference and learn as you go. You might get hurt but MOVE ON and don’t cling to the past!

4.Guys Want Too Damn Much But Can’t Match Up

You want a man with a good job, but you don’t have a job. You want a man with a nice car, but you ride the MRT. You don’t want him to cheat or lie but ALL your relationships failed because you did both. He has to be model material, a certain height, a certain build and he MUST be masculine.

And you wonder why you are STILL single and lonely..

You can’t demand what you don’t have. If you want all of those things (some which is just plain unrealistic and shallow), you must be able to match up. I am not saying that you have to setting for less, but at least inspire to be what you asking for in a man. Understand that you may not get what you want on that imaginary list. Be CAREFUL what you ask for.

Dig a little deeper. Does he has dreams and goals? Is he putting it into action? What is his mental state like? Make sure he respects you. Make sure he is good to his mama. Have morals and standards. That kind of thing.

5. You Don’t Even Know Or Love Who YOU Are.

Before you can even THINK about a relationship, you need to KNOW who you are. Be comfortable in your own skin. Be your OWN person. We all have our types but there is nothing sexier then a man who can stand on his own and is CONFIDENT (NOT COCKY). When you have figure out who you are, LOVE yourself! Like Rupaul says, “If you don’t love yourself, how in the HELL is somebody gonna love you?”

The TRUTH is NO MAN on this earth can love you better then you can love yourself. Start by taking a good long look in the mirror and if there is something you want to change or don’t like, CHANGE IT! Pray over what you can’t change and KNOW the difference.

Tell yourself in that mirror that you love yourself and that you are responsible for your OWN happiness! Take YOURSELF out on a date. Treat yourself every now and then! Be GOOD to yourself and when you DO find that good man, treat him the way you will treat yourself.


There are millions of reason as to why gay relationships don’t work out. Gay people struggle to nurture their relationships in a society that still offers none of the same support heterosexual couples value. There are internal and external problems faced by two men or two women as they create a life together, that heterosexual couples might just never experience. Some of these may even be subconscious.

A few examples:

-inability to marry under the law

-issues preventing couples from adopting

-conflicting feelings based on religious beliefs

-parents unacceptability of child’s homosexuality

-society’s views/beliefs of homosexual relationships

-lack of visible examples of long lasting gay relationships

-subconscious self-sabotaging of relationships based on years of negative internalising


The truth is, there are many, many gay relationships out there that have survived longer than most heterosexual marriages. These are sadly hidden from both the homosexual and gay community. It is possible to find the special someone who is suitable for a healthy relationship.

*Inspired article from theluckystar 



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213 thoughts on “Gay Relationships Don’t Last Because….

  1. James says:

    Aside from the grammatical glitches, this is incredibly well thought out & expressed.
    If this were to be fleshed out further, it could easily be a great reference point for anyone who is single (or taken) .
    Relationships of all varieties & depths serve as a ‘mirror’—being shown more than the facets of our intended, but a spectrum of our own facets & layers as well.
    Any relationship will falter, lose its luster without abundant communication (Free from judgements, retaliations & grudges), admiration (resentment in a relationship is a poison), and a daily dose of laughter amongst the ups & downs.
    My ABSOLUTE: You cannot be anything to anyone, if you can’t at the minimum—be their friend.
    And anyone asking where the scientific data/research he based this on obviously hasn’t been around the block much. The blogger & all these people contributing their feedback, are coming from a place of experience.
    People leaving remarks asking for sources are probably the most clueless to their own shortcomings that keep them from fully connecting to a significant other. Just an observation.
    BTW, journalism was my first major in college. I’ve got the time—I’d be happy to proofread for you!

    • Emmanuel Lawrence says:

      Great Article Derik btw. I’m also inclined to agree with Tee. I sincerely feel people are so eager to seek advice but truth be told, the advice go out the window when the hormones get pumping. As applicable and relevant as the advice is, it surely doesn’t work for every relationship. I feel people should spend more time discovering themselves and doing what is right and let the universe make every good thing fall into place for them. One can’t force love, one can search for it, and one can’t strictly adhere to every advice in the book so as to have a lasting relationship (we’re all flawed in some way). The key is learning loving yourself, personal development and learning to do what is right. Love will naturally come looking for you when you decide to develop yourself and be the best you can be!

    • Mark says:

      There is a problem in relationships straight or gay. Rates of success for everlasting are rare but I notice gay men put up too many barriers to start. Look at dating sites. He must have a certain look, age, career, finances, car, job, smokes, doesn’t smoke & a litany of things that have zero to do with love.2% of gay males will end up in a 5+ year relationship & .5% in 10+ years. For me, it seemed like until death. I was serious about it & in love. It lasted TWO DECADES. I beat all the odds but it failed in the end. Much of it had to do with the fact, I got MS which is something only younger people can get up to age 41 so if one is older with it, they have had it a while and likely not bad form I have since my type MS will do me in .

      He wasn’t capable of dealing with the real life threatening illness I had. There were other problems but I think that was 50% of it. The rest were just regular stupid things of my fault or his fault. I never cheated. He did. That was two years ago & I’m still alive yet single. He’s with a new lover and it won’t last. I tried to not place all those barriers in front of US but in this throw it away society, we don’t tend to fix things that are broken. We just throw them out instead.

      My ex isn’t a bad person. He simply got caught up in society & the indoctrination we all go through. Some of us refused to be indoctrinated but most don’t even know they have been. There is sex addition problems which was in our relationship not my side & I see that as a big problem for straight or gay now. Online porn is everywhere & most is about BS no one really does so it’s more fantasy that excites then addicts us. We then expect that action in our bedrooms and it’s so not going to happen that way.

      The writer of the article mentioned he’s not a writer. I am a writer and working on a book of this topic because, I want to help bring about positive change through my own experiences as well as a great deal of research of facts. We can’t keep letting the years go by while more good men are left alone, lonely, sad, depressed & basically giving up because they can’t find love they really are searching for. The others just want sex but I assure you, THAT ENDS quickly in gay community per age. No one wants you after age 40 just for sex. That’s how it is unless you look really young so by 50 you better hope you look 30. Even 30 is considered too old by some. I look 30 but I’m not interested in just sex.

  2. Paddy says:

    A lot of internalized homophobia. You failed to mention what research led you to these conclusions. What is the basis for your advice?

    • Anonymous says:

      Life is the greatest teacher. There is no internalized homofobia in this article, if any a rude awaking for some. A bit of a slap to the face, kinda like when a parent slap you over the head and says, “Grow Up!”

    • Life is the greatest teacher. There is no internalized homofobia in this article, if any a rude awaking for some. A bit of a slap to the face, kinda like when a parent slap you over the head and says, “Grow Up!”

  3. Josh Henderson says:

    This article was inspitartional and I agree with everything that was said. I feel the positivitity it exudes in truth. I plan on reading it often and reflecting on my own lige and how I can better myself.Thank you for allowing God to use you as a vessel of truth.

  4. cee says:

    To be honest … in this day and age of social media and quick connections, this article really does apply to heterosexuals as well. I don’t think it’s a sexual orientation thing but more issues of value, ethics and self respect. Those are lacking in the bulk of society in general …

    • I agree. Every single thing mentioned is not limited to gays, its everyone. Good advice for everyone who wants a relationsship regardless of orientation. And as for the “problems” at the end of the list faced by gays.. for every problem on that list, heteros have equal or similar parallel problems.. with family, religious, geographic, financial, health related, lifestyle related, ethnicity related etc etc issues stacked against them… Face it.. relationships are hard to create no matter who you are. and the clubs are fun but not the best place to find one. My advice? hang out at Barnes & Noble or Borders, near the sections of books on topics that interest you… guess who else you will meet in those sections????? 🙂 🙂

  5. JDV says:

    My boy and I decided to do the whole abstain thing when we met… We both agreed not to do the deed until we were dating and serious about a relationship. It was beyond hard (in all aspects of the word) but 5 years dating, we’re both glad we waited. Discovering a person becomes so much more vibrant when sex is out of the equation.

    I agree fully with not looking for a relationship. If you’re on dating sites, hang in the club’s, going to pool parties and the like, you’re looking for companionship. But not once have I witnessed a reputable relationship come from these meetings. We met purely by chance and both weren’t looking for a relationship, but when we met we knew the bond was substantial enough to take it more serious.

    I honestly think people spend more time searching for someone than finding themselves first.

    Someone who might be blatantly be honest about who you are as a person will come as a bigger shock than having figured it out yourself.

    Lastly, if you share your man, he’s not YOUR man, if he shares you, your not HIS. Open relationships do not work. I love my man mostly because he loves me, only.

    • Anonymous says:

      Why do you suffer so deeply from a hetronormitive conditioning jdv? And gives you the right to judge a relationship when the only people who have that right are the people in it?

    • I think it’s noble that you two kept sex at bay for awhile at the start of your relationship. Some part of me wants to say, yes, leave sex out of it and get to know each other first. But it doesn’t have to be that way. I had managed to find a place in my life where I respected myself and chose not to sleep with just anybody. Then someone came along, wouldn’t take no for an answer (he actually begged like a little kid). And I did let him come home with me. And now we’ve just celebrated our 12th anniversary. There is some truth in that song, Cher did a wonderful cover of it ages ago, “It’s in His Kiss.” He kissed me and I knew.

      As for open relationships, I’m not a fan. But I have found if you leave the door open a little, the air feels fresher, and you’ll both feel less confined. And after a few experiments — you have to be willing to be honest with each other about them — he’ll pretty much never touch the door again.

  6. You’re right about your English grammar, you could use a good editor. However, you have a lot of insight here that is worthwhile.

    We are in our 13th year and very happy. So I can add somethings from my singular experience. That means, you cannot necessarily generalize to everyone… But…

    1. Be happy with your own life and routine. Respect yourself. Don’t just sleep with anything cute that comes by. Try to find peace in solitude and your perfect routine. You will know you’re in the right head space when you meet someone and the first thing you think is “Is this guy worth wrecking my perfect routine.” Because he will. And if he’s worth it, you’ve found something.

    2. Set your pride aside. Speak honestly with each other. Set ground rules for a relationship. And be forgiving, respectful and understanding of each other. If you think of a relationship as a JOB, then consider your basic job is to make the other guy feel like he’s the most amazing thing that ever happened to you. It’s a super easy job. Since he is.

    3. Sex is sex. You can have it with anyone. But it is something you want to share with someone you love. At its root, love is not pulse-pounding excitement (that’s sex). Love is comfort and yearning. It’s a need to share and be present and together. It’s a feeling, I find, not unlike the love you feel for your mother, grandmother, sister… But you want to have sex, too.

    4. If you’re all about bone structure and skin tone, you need to move on. If you really fall in love it will change. And change again. People gain weight and lose it, change their hair style and change it again. They grow old, their skin sags, their hair turns grey or falls out. It will happen to you, as well. Love transcends that.

    5. Every break up is a new beginning. And a time wrecker. I say this, because the memories you have become memories with that person. And you don’t want to look back there. And your life becomes riddled with dark patches you don’t really want to see. There’s a reason for that cliched line “My life began with you.” Because it really feels like that. There’s the darkness before and the light after. And all shared time and memories are insanely valuable. The more you add to them, the more powerful they are. In the immortal words of Antoine de Saint-Exupery, “It is the time invested in your rose that makes her unique in all the world.”

    6. And people are flawed. It is only natural. The process of learning to love and respect another person includes coming to know and understand those flaws. The amazing thing about love though is this: In time I came to know and respect his quirks and flaws and when I saw them in others, I was not irritated or maddened, but rather I found myself smiling at the recognition of the flaw, and the man it brought to mind.

    • He prefaced with a statement that he’s not a writer or a good blogger. Read it for content, not to nitpick – I know, it’s hard! I get caught up in grammar too.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Absolutely brilliant! After living in a committed relationship (now marriage) for 23 years I can tell you that every single word of his is true– at least on my experience.

  8. Cody M. says:

    I honestly think somethings are true yet some are personal opinions. I’d like to say to all the people bashing the writer for improper grammer and his own views, back off. opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and most of the time they stink and are full of shit. On the other hand I’d like to state that dating sites are not that bad. I met my boyfriend almost nine moths ago and so far no problems, we are happy and are living together.

  9. Tee says:

    good read, but your tenses, grammar, & spelling errors didn’t allow me to take you serious. plus, all of this is common sense people. I’m 21 & know that although many of these are “no no’s” they’re are only a don’t to a certain extent. like the club thing, many people dnt live in areas where there are many gay men around so that is their place to meet them. the whole “not looking” thing, yeah make it clear you’re not looking for just a hookup cus if they think you’re not looking for a relationship at all what’s to keep them from leaving. & no sex? let’s be real, that can only go for like a month before a man starts to stray. you gotta keep em interested & of course sex isn’t the only way to do so, so yeah dnt go givin out right away or even often after the first time. make it something that they wait for, for the right amount of time while you guys aren’t in a relationship or still getting to know each other. make sex somethin special, somethin you dnt do all the time but on occasion to let them know they have to earn your body, they can’t just have it. again, it’s common sense. I agree 100% with be yourself & the right man will come along though.

  10. Bless' d Davis says:

    Message Received!!!… All relationships are difficult and none are perfect… but Yes… there are some of us that are still pressing on, regardless of what anyone may believe…

  11. Greg VA says:

    Holy crap! Go easy on the internalized homophobia. We’re too selfish. We’re too sex crazed. We want too much!

    How about we don’t (often) have kids to take the focus off our needs and put them on someone else’s? How about we haven’t (historically) had the rituals around taking a relationship to the next level — engagement, marriage, etc. — that make us consider our choices? How about we’re less likely to narrow our social circle to other couples when we get into a relationship? How about we’re less likely to date as adolescents so when we reach adulthood we’re really bad at it and make adolescent mistakes?

    There are lots of reasons gay relationships don’t last. And there are plenty of gay relationships that do. Your article, and RuPaul are correct on one count — if you can’t love yourself how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Advice the author would do well to take.

  12. Anonymous says:

    All of a sudden, in the 2000 era, everyone is a relationship expert. Too many blueprints not enough architects. By the way, the amount of grammatical errors in this article makes it sloppy and obnoxious.

  13. Jason r says:

    Been with my partner for 13 years. We are monogamous and don’t have an open relationship. This article is bullshit.

    because it says here: say a little prayer. it means that the rest is none of our business, it’s God’s.
    the whole blog was very nice.,. very true. i reposted some lines in my fb. but not the whole thing. because for me, the best relationship to work out is a man and a woman (which what God had created at first) next our relationship with God. .

  15. Mike says:

    Gay men want a lot and give too little. That’s the gist of this. Add to their own feelings of inadequacy masked as arrogance and ya got what most of gay culture exists as. I think the best thing is NOT to engage in the “lifestyle” and just exist as a person in other parts of society. It’s not easy, but getting easier. What do you think of when you think gay culture? Bars and clubs, mostly….or at least a very insulated existence where you brunch in the gay areas of the city. I think all this is a lot more fun when you’re NOT “on the prowl”, as my college roommate used tos say. Life being a constant party of drinking, drugging, dancing to vapid music and cackling cattily while making fun of others over cosmos is not a good recipe for being around an atmosphere where quality relationship material exists. Oh, and approach every new person with a fresh perspective. Forecasting all that dysfunctional experiences you’ve had on someone new is never gonna get you to move ahead. OH, and for crissakes……quit with the selfies done as an image of what you WANT others to see, as opposed to who YOU are…………….

  16. This is a mis-titled blog post. It should read “Relationships don’t last because…” It appears that all of these points could easily be tied to ANY type of relationship. For the most part, I believe that the reason why people, in general, aren’t in relationships is that they have been poisoned with the “ideal mate” scenario, that they hold unrealistically high expectations for who they want, they forget that it’s the heart that will tell you, and not your eyes. Just sayin’

  17. Anonymous says:

    I would say that some of your reasoning has a valid basis. However, the validity of your work is marred by poor editing. Please submit your writing to a proof reader / editor before publishing it

  18. Carlo says:

    My honest opinion is that I agree with many of the authors points. The main ones I would disagree with include the following.

    1. Meeting in the club isn’t a no no. As gay men the club is the predominant form of gay socializing. Not everyone joins a gay sports league, a gay gym, or lives in a gayborhood it would be unrealistic to just write off the club scene entierly.

    2. Sex too early I agree can be bad, but waiting too long is just as bad. There is a crucial window period between the 3rd date and maybe a few more that intimacy should be established. Sex on the first or second date isnt a write off but by waiting til at least the third does build steam. However if you wait too long that could die out and then be friendzoned.

    3. The whole not looking thing. Dont be thirsty and desperate, I agree, but make your intentions known. People like to play games in the getting to know someone phase. Dont fall into it. If you like someone let them know, what do you have to lose? If they don’t want what you want at least you saved time and future heartache realizing you wanted different things. A simple morning text shows your interest, dont try to be the bigger asshole in the beginning and if a guy wants that, do you really want with him?

    Dating is a challenge, especially being gay, but if we are mature and above the games, good things can.pan out.

  19. ED says:

    This article is b.s.. Intelligent people frequent bars and clubs. Love can be found anywhere. Grocery store, park, party, etc. Why this cat has put restrictions on finding love in the club is probably from self experience. Where you find your hubby is irrelevant. How you two interact, lift each other up, respect ideas (even opposing), are truthful, love 100%, and even more wonderful things are what count. Love can be found under a rock. This writer needs to take more stock in himself and be a real writer and not be so jaded. Reports, writers are neutral.

  20. Carlo says:

    My honest that I agree with many of the authors points. The main ones I would disagree with include the following.

    1. Meeting in the club isn’t a no no. As gay men the club is the predominant form of gay socializing. Not everyone joins a gay sports league, a gay gym, or lives in a gayborhood it would be unrealistic to just write off the club scene entierly.

    2. Sex too early I agree can be bad, but waiting too long is just as bad. There is a crucial window period between the 3rd date and maybe a few more that intimacy should be established. Sex on the first or second date isnt a write off but by waiting til at least the third does build steam. However if ibe waits to long that could die out and then be friendzoned.

    3. The whole not looking thing. Dont be thirsty and desperate, I agree, but make your intentions known. People like to play games in the getting to know someone phase. Dont fall into it. If you like someone let them know, what do you have to lose? If they don’t want what you want at least you saved time and future heartache realizing you wanted different things. A simple morning text shows your interest, dont try to be the bigger asshole in the begining and if a guy wants that, do you really want with him?

    Dating is a challenge, especially being ga, but if we are mature and above the games, good things can.pan out.

  21. LK says:

    I really enjoyed your article. It is well-thought. I especially liked the bullet points at the end reminding all of some of the barriers still existing for many today. These are not new revelations but the points made in this article do serve as truths we all need to be reminded of and encouraged by.

  22. I think that the whole “leave the sex for the last minute” thing is really unhealthy. There is nothing wrong with a relationship that starts of as being mainly based on sex in my experience. If you hold sex on too much of a pedestal it will only pressurize the situation and possibly leave you disappointed by the time it does happen, especially if you realize you have no sexual chemistry with this person you have now placed so much emphasis on. Sexual chemistry is EXTREMELY important, getting the basics out of the way early will take the pressure off, and allow your desire for each other to grow in other ways.

  23. Diego deLeon says:

    While I can appreciate that this blog is your opinion; it would go a long way to boosting your authority if you had done a but of research and had a basis in some fact.

    Furthermore, you tell us how (in your opinion) to get a relationship, only to tell us relationships are temporary. Yeah, not the best seeking point if you shoot the prize bird!

    Lastly, the spelling and grammatical errors are much too distracting for me to really understand what you’re trying to say, or even take you seriously.

    This is the beginnings of a nice article, but it needs a lot of work before readers can, thoroughly, understand your opinions or even take them seriously. #writingfoethewebisnteasy

  24. Anonymous says:

    It is not ALWAYS TRUE that you cannot fall in love to someone if you think you are not a match such as falling in love to someone who has a car, or house or a job because loving in the first place is not all about those tangible things. It is all about the intangible feelings contained inside your heart that is not tantamount to any of those materials.

  25. LOL all the people beating down the article know why they say such stuff, lol if the article has hit you hard inside stop criticizing the format, the font sizes amd spekl errors and deal with the issue in it ha ha ha ha ha Truth has that excruciating effect on weaklings.

  26. Great read! I just wish the grammar was on point. We all make mistakes, and we are only human, but I feel like if you’re gonna post a blog, you should at least proof read your work.

    I started reading the blog, and I was very intrigued by your thoughts, until I got to the grammatical errors; then it just kept throwing me off trying to figure out what you were trying to convey.

    Again, nonetheless, it was a great read, and I am 100% with you.

    • Anonymous says:

      … says the guy that uses “gonna” as if it is an actual word. Also your excessive use of commas and mashing phrases together makes you look like you’re trying too hard.

  27. Alan Junior says:

    You need to proof read your articles, or have someone else do it. The amount of errors throughout make it difficult to read.

    • Anonymous says:

      Do mean the number of errors? “Amount” is used to describe mass nouns / uncountable nouns, i.e. an amount of water.

      • Keenan says:

        amount- a quantity of something, typically the total of a thing or things in number, size, value, or extent.

        Amount refers to the total quantity, which is what Alan was doing. Chiggity-check “YOU’RESELF”.

    • Anonymous says:

      I think you meant the amount of errors makes it difficult to read. The subject in this sentence is the word “amount.” That is a singular subject so it should be conjugated as “makes.” But I do agree with you. This would be much better if edited correctly.

  28. Adonis Darling says:

    All these people who have these suggestions and modifications should create their own blog and let us read it. I love the blog!!

  29. Anonymous says:

    this article is a bit all over the place and the title doesn’t exactly tell us the actual thesis of the piece.

  30. Anonymous says:

    That paragraph should say “THE WORST ADVICE FOR LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP IS TO NOT LOOK AT ALL. IF BOTH OF YOU AREN’T LOOKING, HOW WILL YOU FIND ONE ANOTHER? FALL FOR THIS AND YOU WILL MISS YOUR MAN!!!!!!!” I have tried that “not looking” thing. Only thing I got was guys who were interested in me thought that I was not interested in them because I was not “looking”. Years later, when they discovered that I WAS, in fact, interested, it was too late. They had moved on and were in a relationship. If you are ready to turn in your single card (or as Bonnie Pointer said when she pleaded to be freed from her freedom, tried to a tree and handcuffed under loves’ lock and key (tie me to a tree, handcuff me!!!), LET IT BE KNOWN THAT YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT DATING AND BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP!!! Not to be confused with being desperate (thirsty). However, the rest of the blog, I do agree with.

    • jaimanuel249 says:

      I agree. If nobody’s looking then nobody will find anything. I think the best advice is to stay open to finding what your heart desires wherever it may come. The best man for you may just be knocking at your door.

    • I’d have to agree with the author on this one. If you are looking for a relationship, most likely is that you are looking for it to fill a gap. Whatever you reason out to be, it’s a gap. Cheesy as it may sound, the greatest love of all is to love yourself. If you really do, you’ll be self sustaining and falling in love would be the sweetest, most surprising thing.

      You cannot give what you don’t have. And if you’re looking, most likely that you are lacking. But then, when you do love yourself, falling in love would be finding that missing puzzle piece you never knew you missed 🙂

      • Keenan says:

        I will honestly blow my own god damn brains out if I see somebody write “YOU’RESELF” one more bloody time. Its “yourself”. Jesus.

    • I think it’s great advice… It’s advice that I’ve given friends before because they put too much emphasis on finding someone. We go out to the club or restaurant and they don’t even have fun. They’re constantly craning their heads looking everywhere frantically for someone that may fit their bill. Then when they meet someone they try too hard and it almost seems desperate, which never works out. If they could just relax and let their amazing personalities shine through, they would attract the right person eventually.

    • Anonymous says:

      Agreed.. Please, have some respect for your readers. If you want your readers to respect you, then you need to take a writing course and address the poor grammar you write with.

      • Justin says:

        I think it’s great advice… It’s advice that I’ve given friends before because they put too much emphasis on finding someone. We go out to the club or restaurant and they don’t even have fun. They’re constantly craning their heads looking everywhere frantically for someone that may fit their bill. Then when they meet someone they try too hard and it almost seems desperate, which never works out. If they could just relax and let their amazing personalities shine through, they would attract the right person eventually.

      • Anonymous says:

        You mean “with which you write,” right? And “Agreed” should only have one period after it. 😉

    • I wouldn’t call it “distracting”. I’d call it “a nice first draft that needed an editor”.

      “Sustain” from having sex? Do you even know what the word “sustain” means?

      And quite frankly, most of the points you address were being joked about in the 90s. This isn’t particularly groundbreaking or insightful.

        • “What do two lesbians do on a second date?” “Move in.”
          “What do two gay men do on a second date?” “What second date?”

          That joke was old when I was in high school, years ago. If you think you’ve come up with a brand new slant on gay male relationships, you might want to take a second look.

    • I meant mine as a constructive criticism. If he could only express himself better in writing… I like the author’s way of thinking though. I feel like he’s someone I’d enjoy having a conversation with. 🙂

  31. Bosco says:

    In theses examples it’s hard for me to accept that this stuff only happens in “gay” culture but in all relationship searchers- I see my gal pals deal with the same thing, some of my straight friends deal with the same issues. Regardless if the person is gay or not is irrelevant- it’s the path of pursuing a relationship and making it work for them.

  32. JC says:

    This is a good read. It is good to learn from others’ experiences in order to grow in our own unique ways, whether as a single guy or “in a relationship” or “in a complicated relationship” person. What is most important, is the fact that one needs to be trusting and accepting at the same time. To have sex or not have sex is a matter of choice. Sometimes, not having sex when getting to know another person creates an immense feeling of rejection, even up to point of continued dating. If sex is delayed, both parties should know and understand the delay of gratification or else expectations are not met. I really admire couples who have lasted more than two years. They bring a sense of possibility into this world that gay relationships are still here to stay. Whether or not they decide to have adopted kids is another thing but it also helps that aside from having a commitment to each other, there is a child who can solidify the relationship. If not, I just hope that a gay relationship can still help in bringing forward an accepting, understanding and a loving world.

  33. I couldn’t agree more. Guys my age (24) are still partying and hooking up, I don’t judge that lifestyle but they misconstrue every other guy who has goals and ambitions and treats their “mommas” right.

    I can say I have morals, goals, beliefs, family oriented, hungry for my own family and kids and don’t seek superficial men who just want to satisfy an undying hunger that doesn’t seem to fill them.

    If anyone cares, I think my Mr. Right resides in my location of residences and I hope once I finish will law school I can relocate and live life and see what happens.

    I wish every single guy on here the best and luck in their dating, annoying single life!


  34. Anonymous says:

    I am 46, often mistaken for being 30. When approached by guys, I enjoy being honest and upfront with them when they ask what kind of job I have. I tell them the truth that I have been jobless for many years and I drive a very old car. That is where they immediately terminate the conversation, politely or not and leave. it’s great for me whereas the good guys who don’t judge a book by its cover might learn that all of my homes are paid for, my old cars are classics and I have a couple of dollars in the bank. I don’t dress to impress, I dress to be myself and comfortable. I have had a few fantastic boyfriends, all of which are my very best friends today. The more I play a little hard to get and the more they are willing to investigate me as a person, I think my chances are pretty good meeting the last guy I want to settle down with.

    • Hey 46, I understand u am 48 look mid 30’s am disabled but have my own apartment, been very down about my social status, met a nice guy but to find out he told me he is bi, but we still hang out, he wants me but having a problem of what he wants, but am ok with his bi status. Should I move on or stick around n have to wait for him????

  35. Leonard Shanks says:

    Wow!!!! Thank u for this, it makes it so much clear to me now, I just thought it was me. What am doing wrong but am glad am not sleeping around for guys to like me, I do think there is someone out there for me n not rush to wand up with a assume hole of a guy thanks 🙂

  36. Matt says:

    I was in a long term relationship (5 and a half years) in my early 20’s. It started intensely and ended not because we didn’t love each other, it ended because I grew tremendously within the relationship. So much so that I kept looking at that greener grass on the other side.

    I became disengaged with my partner and disconnected physically and emotionally and as a result, he cheated on me. I couldn’t really blame him as I wasn’t there for him emotionally, and he needed that.

    I thought contentment was a bad thing and that it must’ve meant it was time to move on. Oh how wrong I was. We’re still friends to this day – very good friends actually (no ex-sex – not my thing).

    I’ve been pretty much single ever since and it’s now – after going off, having fun and being a little crazy for a few years – that I regret not making more of an effort in my relationship.

    Some very bad stuff happened as a result of me being ‘single and loving it’ that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. And I’m now alone. Very much alone, without any real prospects on the horizon.

    I know there’s a lot of ‘self’ work I need to do before I can be a good partner for someone. In all likelihood, if I were to meet someone now, I would immerse myself so completely into the relationship as a way to avoid what I need to confront. And that wouldn’t be good for he or I.

    So I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you’re someone in a relationship, a good one, be grateful every day for having the love of another. Love takes work, a lot of work – anyone who believe long term love should be easy is kidding themselves. But you and your life will be so much richer for the work you put in.

    Peace x

    • I can totally relate with you; what happened to you, happened to me too – well, except for the ‘very bad stuff’.

      I’m still learning how to get over it and forget everything that had occurred.

  37. Doug says:

    I think the first one is bullshit. So just because you have sex soon after meeting you’re doomed? How does the act of sex defer people from getting to know each other?

  38. Anonymous says:

    The truth is, there are many, many gay relationships out there that have survived longer than most heterosexual marriages. These are sadly hidden from both the homosexual and gay community. – TRUE! 11 years, no one knows. just the 2 of us.

  39. I do not think these five reasons are exclusive to Homosexual MEN relationships. It can be applied to all other relationships regardless of their orientation. I guess the real problem here is that people can get stuck in their own little “gay or straight world”, where in fact we are just living in the same world experiencing similar stories in different contexts.

    Relationships last, if the couple wants it to last.

  40. Does anyone want to comment on the grammar in this piece? Or the sweeping generalizations? Or shall I dote on the fact that the structure of this entire piece is a bit…. Wonky to say the least.

  41. Jice says:

    A lot of points were given emphasis and I applaud you for those.

    My take on these is we all tend to differentiate homosexual relationship with that of heterosexual ones but at the end of the day these are all the same from falling In love to a roller coaster ride and break ups.
    We are all longing for a lasting relationship straight and gay and if you really look closely these issues or points mentioned are all seen in a Hetero kind of relationship .

    We all have standards and you are right that you have to at least meet half of what you are looking for. Walk the talk. You can’t buy an original Rolex in a place like the market.

    And again, for me it is not just gay relationships that has this kind of problem. Great points though. It’s all about who you are and how a person accept that and how you accept people. It takes maturity and respect in committing in a relationship.
    But people tend to dip their finger to test if the water is hot or cold.

    Live, love and move on because life does.

  42. arjaybiejl says:

    .well im in a realationship right now,,we started as chatmate and when i went to philippines to spend my vacation ive met him personaly for DATE and yes it was totally DATE knowing each other,,,we enjoy laughing each other because we both expect that we will see each other personally introducing our self is the major conversation.we didnt have sex that time and theres a time i was there in thier home with his family,,even on our last DATE we didint have sex but we still happy talking and laughing we been talking about sex but we said that theres a right time for that.yes we both like to do it,,but when we do it maybe theres a posibility of not seeing each other again so better not to do it until now that im here now to my work and far from him i dont have any regret of not doing the sex with him..and i dont think he dont like to do it to me maybe im not a goodlooking guy but im cute ,,and fun to be with..well in fairness to him he is also cute.,but the good thng we always happy and enjoy when talking to each other thru phone,,

  43. Good writings. I have to add tho’. Some of us tend to be too rush in having a relationship. Most of the time we’ve just known each other for a week or two then decide to be a couple. Neither of us know how the other handles problems. And we break up after our first or second fight.

  44. a very informative blog on the topic – i say, this is totally true as we are on a 5 year relationship now with my better half. been ups and downs but still we are counting more years… together

  45. Reality hurts.. says:

    Ok it was informative but the real truth is that there are so many hot guys out there to pick and choose from until sooner or later one of them is going to be tempted to run off to be with one of them…and then a lot of the time the one running away is going to Lie and cheat like the low down dog that he is. That’s because he is selfish and is not out to work things out with the one that loves(ed) him and is currently living with. anyway, and the whole ( Fairytale ) starts all over. and over and over again.. Its a vicious circle and there are very few guys out there that will honestly want to stay with the guy they have.. I don’t care if you gave them everything in the whole world and fulfilled all their Fantasy’s As I say. they will get bored, tired of the whole mess and move on.. if not the other one dies.. Lets face it.. Is going down the drain sooner or later.. so enjoy the time you have for now.. cause that’s all you really have anyway.. Im not trying to be a negative person here.. just down to earth and realistic. anything else is as I said before.. a fairytale this is WHY gay Relationships fail.. too much Selfishness and hatred that has built up from time. and the thinking that someone else is better than what you currently have. But that’s ok.. because its been said that most folks that do this can run.. but no matter where you go… There you are! (a miserable person cant run from themselves nor can all the pampering in the world from the new guy can give them, what they really need…

    • Anonymous says:

      Wow! What a miserable concept of relationships you have.
      Too many gay guys think like this…
      If you love someone, you will try and you will stay until it is fixed or your heart can’t handle the pain anymore.
      There are genuine men out their… The rest are just boys thinking with their pricks.

  46. All I am wondering is that when your partner tells you that he loves you but he still flings with other guys, lets say he still chats with other guys via Grindr, FB or any other gay sites but when you are together they are sweet, sensitive and emotionally attached to you. the most dangerous guy is that he doesn’t know the difference of telling the truth and the lies that he is committing. how i wish that every guy that has a relationship with another guy realize that if their partner is doing everything for the good and longevity of the relationship i hope that they will realize that the effort that the other party is doing is worth it and be monogamous at all times.

  47. Nathan O'Neill says:

    My Partner and I have been together for 6 years……their has been ups and downs in the relationships good and bad…….same as heterosexual relationships…….we don have children and we both don’t want children………falling in love with a person is the easy part holden on to the relationship and keeping it together is the hard part…….most of the gay relationships that I know of don’t get past the first 3 to 6 months………why cos someone cheats on the other…….or because of not enough time spent with one and other…… I a no by any means saying I know the answer I have only ever had 3 relationships 1 str8 and 2 gay……..most ppl in the gay scene have a good relationship for first 3 months then they want to have 3some etc which u start to open up problems etc……..str8 relationships the male likes to perv on women and when the female does it the male gets jalousie……..we all have to forget one thing your partner is not a thing we don’t own them…………they are suppose to be the person u love………… if their is no trust in the relationship str8 or gay then the relationship is doom from the start…….my bf and I don’t go out to clubs or the gay scene………now that is our choice………..just enjoy the time that yo have together and you will find that if the relationship is strong it will last and time will fly……….

  48. Anonymous says:

    You’re talking like a yo momma joke. honestly you could use some polishing grammar-wise. but yes you have ideas, only I stopped reading when I’ve encountered mounting numbers of wrong grammar. Any writer loses his reliability and the reader’s interest with such mistake, minor as it may be.

    • Matt says:

      I find it amusing that you criticise the writer of this article for ‘wrong grammar’ when your comment is teeming with mistakes itself. Here’s how yours should read:

      You’re talking like a ‘Yo Momma’ joke. Honestly, your grammar could do with some polishing. You have some good ideas, however I couldn’t continue reading due to the mounting number of incorrect uses of grammar throughout the article.

      A writer can lose his credibility and the reader’s interest with this amount of mistakes (minor as they may be).

      • John Dee says:

        I agree. Indeed a writer loses one’s credibility with incorrect use of grammar. But then I decided to look beyond the inconsistencies and focused on the article’s topic. He did make good points though.

  49. Jonathan Steve L. Butaya says:

    Thank you for giving me hope. I will print a copy of this to keep me reminded that there will always be a special person for myself, I will just have to change my ways. Lots of love. JSLB

  50. travis C says:

    Cant agree more with all the highlighted points.. it is what i believe and doing right now. thus i do have a stable relationship for 5 years now and it will continue till the end of my life…
    thanks for sharing

    • Anonymous says:

      at first I dont love my partner, I just want him to on my side when my nerve knocks, but look we have been living together for the past 17 years, we quarrel very often and leave for a couple of days but eventually he’s stil there loving me, and we have 1 adopted daughter, which we dearly love. She is now 13 years old.

  51. I must comment on “the best advice to look for a relationship is to not look at all”, the idea bugs me because if every gay would have that notion, then we will all end up waiting. I still believe that we have to somehow “look” for a relationship too and initiate the finding thing. Im seeing at it in a literal sense. One common thing about gay people is the ability to outshine, look posh and have that narcissistic spotlight effect and be like a commodity in the marketplace, if u like me, own me, if u dont, ignore me.

  52. cream cheese on everything says:

    I agree with everything that you said except that part where you say that not looking for a relationship is the best way to look for a relationship. No it’s not. That’s like saying, don’t worry, just be a good person and God will shower you with blessings, because you deserve it. He won’t. Walang mangyayari sayo kung maghihintay ka lang dyan sa tabi at aasang may makakapansin na mabuti kang tao at dapat kang mahalin. I guarantee you, NO ONE WILL COME. Just like every worthwhile endeavor, if you want to be in a relationship, you have to get out of your comfort zone and risk failure and potential embarrassment that comes when your inadequacies are exposed. You have to meet (and by that, I don’t mean f*ck) as many guys as you can to increase your chances of meeting someone suitable. I don’t care if you meet guys through the Internet, at a club, at school or a prayer group. Just go out there and meet guys.

    Dating involves two parties but one of them has to reach out to the other before anything happens. So if you like a person and want to be in a relationship with them, don’t wait for them to come to you. Chances are, he’s just as insecure and afraid of failing. So have faith in yourself at ikaw na ang magka-initiative kesa naman walang mangyari. Ask them out. If they decline, so what? May iba pa dyan. It’s easier to get over rejection than the howling loneliness you will certainly feel when you hit your 30s and you realize that you’re losing hair and getting wider around the waist, and still single, because you’re too much of a p*ssy to ask someone out.

    • Anonymous says:

      I disagree with you. Relationships are easy to find and easy to lose.
      If your out in a nightclub actively seeking then you will end up having a one night stand.
      If you are out on the streets or in town shopping or even in the library you will meet someone it’s all about getting out and about and getting that initial spark when you first talk with someone, exchange numbers and make a date.
      I’m not saying dont look for love just don’t make it the be all and end all of your life.
      The person you are going to end up with is not gonna f@ck you on the first time you meet them.

    • erica says:

      jeeezzz…everything has no exception… a person’s pronoun is he or him… fucking mind your train of thought and your grammar… ang sakit mo sa ulo!

  53. Booboo says:

    I guess you could include here the constant battle on who’s going to be the alpha in the relationship. That nation that you have to make others see that you’re the bigger fish that your partner caught.

  54. Stefan says:

    Is not impossibile to have a familiy with a gay. Is not impossibile to make him happy every day and to give him what he need. You must to work for this and make him feel how it is for you, important.

      • Stefan says:

        Is true. We want to be normals, we want to make a family with a guy, but we do stupid things. Is you want to do something normal, be normal, show him everey day what you feel for him, show him how important is for you and give him all what he need. If you make all this, he will do the same. If he will not do, is just a b**** and he don’t want a future with you. Is simply. Good luck to all, fight for your dream, all is possibile.

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